I was listening to a debate on the radio a few weeks ago surrounding when someone “should” get physical in a new relationship. Despite how many studies are done, no one can gauge when taking the sexual plunge is right for anyone else. That mathematical equation is impossible to solve. Bottom line is: You’re a grown-ass adult.
This type of math shouldn’t be difficult.
What’s your view on hopping into the sack with someone new?
For many single (or newly-single) women, having sex with someone new is a difficult decision to make. With the change in society’s sexual barometer, one would presume that we wouldn’t even think twice before giving in to our physical desires.
For many of us, it’s still a private thing—something shared only between two committed souls. No matter how many times friends tell you that “it’s just sex,” no matter how many episodes of Sex and the City you watch, this is still a topic that consumes many of us.
Let’s forget about the bar scene today. Let’s not consider that you might lock eyes with the man of your dreams across a pile of casaba melons at the produce market. Let’s talk about the sex equation that comes with online dating.
Online dating isn’t just about “players” taking advantage
Online dating, if you allow it, can be a very successful way to find a mate. I can hear the online-dater-haters indignant snorts right now. “Online dating is just about hook-ups.”
Yes it is… If you allow it to be. Thank goodness meeting in a bar isn’t a “hook-up” scenario! C’mon people let’s shed the online dating stigma once and for all.
Online dating is what each individual wants it to be.
If a man, or woman, is on the prowl, they are going to find their prey. So don’t be the gazelle who gets separated from the pack—be smart about the process and approach it on your own terms.
Cyber-dating is unlike any other method of dating, in the sense that you get to wear a protective cloak until you are ready to take the next step in the process. The process is completely at your pace, and if you feel pressured in any way, then you need to look at that very carefully. Don’t fall victim to subscribing to someone else’s ill-intentioned agenda.
Male or female, there are some great actors out there. Just like the swarthy guy in the legal department at your office, or the chick with the slammin’ hot body at your niece’s eighth birthday party, some people know how to work it to get what they want. That is their self-preservation.
When you first make contact online, the photos are usually the indicator as to whether or not a conversation is going to commence. I think we all know that no one wants to commit to a conversation with someone who doesn’t have a profile photo. But once you get to the meat and potatoes of online conversations, the getting-to-know-you phase can be really enjoyable.
I’m going to hop down off my soapbox before I really dig my teeth into defending online dating though—I’m here to talk about sex.
You’ve made it past the conversations and cyber-flirting, and have committed to meeting face-to-face. Do you have your chastity belt locked? Did you leave the key somewhere safe?
Keep it clean
One thing that bothered me during the initial conversation phase of online dating was when my prospect initiated risqué talk. I don’t mean to sound like a prude, but I guess I approached those preliminary conversations like a job interview. I carried myself in a way that was a true representation of me, but still kept it professional.
If you were at a job interview, and you caught the interviewer gazing at your breasts and licking his chops, you would probably think twice about working there. Same thing goes with online conversations. If your prospect cannot act like a respectful adult, then maybe you need to take a step back.
Recognizing your sexual patterns
The bottom line of all of this is that it’s your choice, and there should be nothing that a character on TV, or a well-intentioned friend can say to you, that will sway you from what feels right for you.
Don’t cry into your Bellini to your BFF about how guy #46 didn’t call you after you let him have your maraschino cherry during the first hour of the date. If your usual sexual patterns are leaving you feeling less-than-great, that is something you need to analyze. Why are you doing this to yourself? If you’re in it just for the sake of sex, then accept that “sex is just sex” and don’t waste everyone’s time getting emotional about it. But if you’re not just looking for a “release,” then maybe you need to take some time away from the dating scene until you can be honest with yourself about your intentions.
Lack of self-control or lack of self-worth?
If you are not happy about breaking the land speed record for hopping into bed with someone, then take the pressure off yourself and put the responsibility into someone else’s hands. Get a buddy system going. It might sound crazy, but it’s not. Reach out to a friend who can unemotionally guide you away from your usual quickie urges. Let them help you plan your dates so that you don’t put yourself in a position that will allow you to give it all up before the waiter drops off the appetizer.
Online dating affords you the opportunity to engage in some deep soul searching before you even meet the person face-to-face. You will learn a lot about yourself if (and I’m going to sound like a broken record) you are honest with yourself.
Can you say no?
Does the persuasion of a nice-smelling guy cause you to cave and give in to your carnal urges sooner than you planned to? I think that’s the case for a lot of people. We get caught up in the moment. You’re both on your best behavior, and probably dressed to the nines, so why wouldn’t you want to dive head-first into a sexual encounter?
Because it’s not real yet.
You haven’t given it enough time to be more than just about the physical.
If you feel that you’re really attracted to an individual, but don’t want to dive in too soon, be honest with them. If they are sincere about their intentions of being in a relationship (as opposed to just casual dating), then they will respect your wishes and enjoy getting to know you as a person even more.
Taking it a little slower will cause for a greater emotional connection, which will, in turn, make the bedroom fireworks even more amazing when it finally happens.