Saturday marked my last scheduled book signing event of the season and, as I always do, I reflected on the day’s interactions during my drive home. Saturday also proved to be one of the most impactful days for me too, and it caused me to think back to the other events and compare.
The women I’ve had the opportunity to speak with over the past two years, have reinforced my statement that we are not alone in our individual paths. I’ve discovered that there is one consistent trait of our parallel journeys through broken and breaking relationships—we have lost our sense of worth.
Although I came out of my negative relationship patterns on top, it crushes my heart when other women tell me about their struggles. I just want to reach out and shake them… or hug them… or something. Something to cause them to wake up and realize that they are so worthy of being awesome. So worthy of being happy.
I do not understand why so many of us stay in poisonous relationships. Well, actually, I know exactly why. I just don’t understand why we are so damn dumb. When are we (as a collective) ever going to learn?
Why don’t we love and value ourselves more than the letch we are allowing to destroy us? (This goes for men too—those who are in relationships with femmenasties.)
If your relationship did not start out in an abusive way (but has morphed into it over time), walk away. RUN away! Get the hell away and live the life you deserve to live.
Oh wait… I forgot my disclaimer:
Disclaimer: I, Veronica Tanzen, am, in no way, suggesting that you tear your marriage apart because it is difficult. My commentary is based on the assumption that you have made every effort possible to make your marriage/relationship work.
So why do we stay in poisonous/abusive relationships?
I know that the media is constantly reminding women that they are not pretty or thin enough, but I think I missed the ad campaign that states that women are completely worthless. Maybe it’s a channel that is not part of my cable TV package.
So where are we getting this self-destructive mentality from? Why are we staying in abusive relationships?
Most will say that it’s because they were waiting/hoping/praying that it would get better. Just like I did. I kept waiting to “go around the corner,” but that corner just kept getting further and further out of my reach.
Is it the sex that’s keeping you there? There are remedies for that. Costco sells batteries in bulk. Was that too vulgar to say? At least with a “toy,” you don’t have to get all dressed up and do your hair (or buy a new pair of horribly uncomfortable stilettos). So get over the sex. Sex is just sex. Sex is not what a real relationship is based on. If a relationship is complete, sex is the icing (or whip cream, or Nutella, for some of you)—not the cake.
Some might be staying for the perceived financial stability. You’re afraid that you can’t make it on your own (financially) if you leave. I guess that means that “stuff” means more to you than you mean to you. Ditch the “stuff,” get a crappy basement suite and actually be happy and at peace for a change. You can have splendid tea parties with the roaches and ants.
Maybe you’re staying for the kids. That’s a common one. That is, in my eyes, the worst one. Do you honestly think your kids don’t realize that there is dysfunction in the home? Do you, as a dedicated parent, think it’s fair to subject your children to such a cancerous environment? Do you realize that you are just teaching them a standard on how to mistreat their future partner? Which do you think is better: living with two parents who treat each other like crap, or two parents living apart and treating each other with respect?
If you are in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical), then it is time for the rubber to hit the road and do something about it. Talk to your partner and firmly express to them that there are only two options:
- A 180 degree change; or
- You part ways.
When you lay down such a law though, you must make sure to hold yourself accountable to the conditions. Let your partner know that, “I’m sorry baby. I love you. It won’t happen again,” will not cause you to go back on your terms and conditions. I don’t care if it’s a month or a year later, if both parties are not willing to put in the work to repair the relationship, then close the book on that chapter of your lives, and move forward in a positive way.
Be selfish and fall in love with yourself for a change.