Q&A


I’ve received some great feedback and questions from my readers, and thought it would be helpful to post some of them so that others can benefit more from specific questions asked of me.

If you have a question or comment, please don’t hesitate to speak up. You may submit them here and I’ll get back to you personally (all contact details will be kept private, and you will not be added to any mailing lists).

Look forward to hearing from you!

Veronica


ASK A QUESTION NOW


Dating  Relationships Romance Parenting

My son is four, and he always throws a tantrum if he doesn’t get what he wants. When I try to be firm, he either becomes physical or runs to my husband to beg for his help to change my mind. We try not to fight in front of him, but when my husband takes his side, it makes me so angry that I just give in.

How do we get our son to stop acting out like this?

Would it make you feel any better if I told you that you aren’t alone? So many parents struggle with this issue, but it can be solved.

I’ve written about it a couple times, so take a moment to read the following posts: Billy Knows Best and When NOT to Apologize

Understand that the changes you are about to make are going to be painful. The rewards, however, will be so worth it.

  1. You and your husband need to get on the same page. You must agree to be unified—no matter what. If one does not agree with the other, you should support one another in front of your son for that circumstance, and then discuss it privately later.
  2. Have an “offensive parenting” conversation with your son. Sit down with your husband in advance, and discuss how you two want to handle things going forward. Once you do that, sit your son down, and explain to him how you are going to parent him from now on. He’s only four, so give him some slack for not fully grasping the whole thing right away. Your consistent actions after that conversation will speak very loudly to him.
  3. Subscribe to “offensive parenting” tactics when possible. Discuss the expectations with your son before the backlash happens. When you outline the ramifications of his negative behavior to him, then you better be prepared to follow through. For example, if you tell him that you will leave the park if he acts out, you must follow through. Even if it inconveniences you.
  4. Do not bribe him. This is not the cause and effect you want to ingrain in him. If you reward him for something, it should be on your own terms.
  5. Praise him when he is using appropriate behavior, but don’t thank him. “Billy, I’m really proud of you for cleaning up your toys when daddy told you to.” Not, “Thank you for cleaning up your toys like I asked.”

Children crave structure, but they are also learning about life in the only way they know how. They are testing their boundaries, and it is a healthy and normal thing. Children don’t have the cognitive skills to discern right from wrong at such a young age, so if you do not “parent” them when they are young, they will not have the skills to discern right from wrong as they get older.

Again, this is not going to be easy, and you will surely have moments where you just want to give in (and let him have the chocolate bar before dinner), but don’t do it. Stay strong, and you will all benefit from such loving, hands-on parenting.

Category: Parenting

When dating online with a specific goal in mind to meet someone who shares your vision of retirement as in living in a warm country – does this hamper/hinder the ability of perhaps meeting THE one?

Basically – what I’m trying to say is my goal is to retire somewhere warm (hopefully with someone with the same goal) – not a person who wants to shovel snow.

My answer is a simple, yet emphatic, YES! But my answer also comes with the necessity for you to look at a few things before reaching the bottom line. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Is my “warm” retirement a non-negotiable?
  2. Can I achieve my retirement goals on my own?
  3. Am I using my “warm” goals to hinder my success of meeting my soulmate?

Now that you’ve pondered those questions, I’ll add my 2-cents:

  1. Non-negotiable warm location: If your soulmate came into your life and could not (or would not) entertain living somewhere else 365 days a year, are you able to compromise? If your soulmate promised to always shovel the snow, and agreed to spend 1-2 months of the year somewhere tropical, would that be an acceptable compromise? If this is truly a non-negotiable, then you need to state that upfront sooner than later in the relationship. Imagine, instead, the child scenario that puts a wrench in numerous relationships: one wants kids, one doesn’t. If conversations like these go undiscussed until both parties have invested years into a relationship, then it will most likely result in seriously damaging or dissolving the relationship.
  2. Solo goal achievement: Are your goals on track? Can you achieve this on your own, or are you waiting for your sugar daddy/mama to come and sweep you off your feet and buy you a castle in Barbados? If the answer is no, then I suggest you be more realistic and less conditional while looking for a mate. Sometimes, you think you are adamant about a goal, but when you put your new partner into the mix, your vision might change drastically.
  3. Sabotaging your potential for a relationship: If you answered no to the questions in number 2, then this is where you need to really spend some time analysing these goals/conditions. Is the driving force of your goal a subconscious way to protect you from heartbreak? Are you creating potentially unattainable criteria so that you don’t have to kiss any more frogs?

I know that my reply was mainly more questions, but it is simply because there is no cut and dry answer for something like that. You need to spend some honest time in front of the mirror to find the answer for this one.

I was dating a man for 2 1/2 months and things were going great. The day before we were to take our relationship “to the next level.” He sent me a text and broke it off, saying that: he was panicking; we were too different; and we were going to fast. This 3 days after he looked me in the eyes and said he was going to try and see me more often as he wanted it to work.

Now, after 3 months, he is texting me again with pleasantries. It’s making me wonder if I made a mistake in writing him off for good. What should I do?

And “they” say women have issues.

There are many reasons a man might do this:

  • Regret
  • Jealousy
  • Insecurity
  • Hopes for future booty-calls
  • Unsure he made the right decision and wants to keep the connection open
  • Keeping a psychological stronghold on you so that you are unable to move forward with a new man

After less than 3 months together, it is probably a combination of some of the above (or all of the above). The fact that he broke up with you over text, shows a very high level of immaturity. Depending on your age: If you’re young, he may simply have not learned how to wear his big-boy pants in life, and opted to just run away from dealing with an emotional situation. If you have a few more rings around your trunk (meaning: getting carded at the liquor store is but a distant memory), maybe his behavior is a red flag for why he is still single.

I would caution against communicating with him and allowing yourself to get back onto that emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, a break for reflection is what is needed for a relationship to go forward permanently; but the odds are against you. And if he says that he misses your friendship, then I would suggest you tell him to stop contacting you, and block his number. You can find other friends who don’t have an emotional/sexual past with you.

Go with your gut about how the messages make you feel, but tread with caution if you are going to entertain the communication.

Are men in the over-50 age group capable of real commitment as in remarriage after a 25 plus year marriage they have left?  Do they really want to settle down again?

We definitely can’t make a blanket statement of yes or no on this one. But, “most definitely, yes” is what comes to my mind… If he’s that kind of guy…

Twenty-five years with a partner surely demonstrates an incredible amount of commitment skill on his part, but the reason for the breakdown of that marriage is the key to answering your questions. Did they stay together for: the kids; financial reasons; pride; stubbornness; spite…? Get to the bottom of that (if he’s capable of being honest with you), and that will answer your question.

Maybe he was so stifled for 25-years that he’s thrilled to just enjoy life and meet new people right now.

Is he giving you conflicting signals because you are being very vocal about what you want; and he’s still not sure what he wants? Is he saying he wants a long-term relationship, but you get the feeling that he just loves having sex with you?

Since you are in the over-50 age group, I can sympathize that you don’t want to waste years playing games. Unfortunately though, with your age, comes extra baggage to unpack with each man you meet in your age group. Patience and wide-open eyes is crucial for you during this journey.