My Twitter Divorce

Okay, so maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic. I didn’t really “divorce” Twitter—we’re just on a “break.” Like Rachel expected of Ross on Friends, I do expect Twitter to remain faithful to me even though I’m not giving it the love and attention I know is expected of me.

Despite the constant emails from Twitter’s cousin, Hootsuite—wagging its judgmental finger at me as a shameful reminder that I haven’t been nurturing my social media relationship—I just needed a break. A break from all the emotional games Twitter keeps playing with me.

I didn’t really know Twitter before we decided to consummate our relationship with my first Tweet, so I feel as though I rushed into the relationship based on peer pressure and its sexy reputation. I was told that I had to take the plunge after my literary baby, Living Out Loud, was born. So amidst the flurry of having a new “baby” to care for, I was also expected to entertain my new social media in-laws. With the commitment to my Twitter relationship, I was also expected to be gracious towards its cousins Facebook, Instagram, Google+, LinkedIn, and Pinterest. What the hell had I gotten myself into?

Lost and Confused Signpost

I very quickly stopped reading Pinterest’s emails to me, simply because we just don’t “click” right now. I don’t have room in my life for someone who is just all about trotting out their photos at every gathering. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Pinterest is amazing, but we are just on different plains right now and I really can’t relate. Quite honestly, I don’t think I’m cool enough for Pinterest, and would probably quickly prove to be an embarrassment.

Instagram and I are still trying to find our connection, but right now I don’t feel we speak the same “Love Language.” I feel as though I hear crickets most every time I speak up. I’ve heard so many great things about Instagram, but I know it’s just going to take time.

As for Facebook, Google+, and LinkedIn, I have only spent a little time with each of them while I was with their cousin Hootsuite. Hootsuite seems to always dominate our get-togethers, so I just kinda sit back and watch it all unfold. I have yet to really get to know each of them individually. Sometimes though, I think Facebook moves too fast (and it also made a cryptic comment that I talk too much). And in my opinion, LinkedIn tends to be somewhat snooty. I’m always being reminded that there are many spoken and unspoken ground rules if I want to associate with LinkedIn:

  • Don’t post this
  • Only post that
  • Don’t creep your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend because she’ll know

It’s like being at United Nations forum:

  • Don’t cross your ankle over your knee in front of an Arab official
  • Don’t use your left hand for ANYTHING
  • Don’t make the “OK” sign to either the French or Honduran President

To be quite honest, as worldly and refined as I thought I was, I feel like the back-woods relative that everyone rolls their eyes at when they see me coming down the road. In my old jalopy, no less.

Now back to my main-squeeze—Twitter.

Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. You fickle lover, you.

When we first began our relationship, Twitter was very guarded and standoffish with me, but I did my best to be consistent in my attention because I was confident that it was just the usual awkwardness of a new relationship.

As time went on, we had a lot of fun together, but yet, I still felt something was missing. I still didn’t think I was everything Twitter wanted me to be.


There were days when I walked around in a euphoric state from the outpouring of attention, but I would soon get a reality check when I watched backs turn on me at a rapid pace. After that happened one time too many, I cried on the shoulder of a colleague and asked, “What am I doing wrong? Why are they turning their backs on me?” I was then informed that it was not something I needed to take to heart… it was just, “the name of the game.”

Since I know the importance of nurturing any relationship, I started to study how to be a better member of my new social media family. I began reading and studying anything and everything I could about being a successfully active member of this enormous family. What I found out was completely daunting.

Where one would say “never” do something, another would say, “always” do something. I got so confused that I began to rebel… to withdraw… So much so, that I turned my back on my fledgling relationship almost three weeks ago.

We’ve barely spoken since, but I still find myself going back to the place we first met in the hopes there will be a message waiting for me… a reason to come back.

There never is.

I feel like I’m the only one making the effort, but yet everything I do seems to fall flat. Hell, I even got a fancy new phone just so we could always keep in touch!

Will I go back to Twitter?

I know I will.

I just need a few more days to reflect and recapture the essence of who I am.

A relationship is supposed to complement who you are, and I just don’t feel that I’m doing right by my betrothed.

Twitter… if you’re reading this… please don’t give up on me… I’ll be back… I promise.

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