How was your Christmas? Do you celebrate Christmas as either Jesus or Hallmark hopes you would? Maybe a combination of both? Maybe none of the above?
A couple weeks ago, I reflected on my Christmases past, present, and future; looking forward to our undiscovered new traditions now that our blended family has expanded by one adorable little grandchild. This year though, it didn’t really feel like Christmas to me. I don’t know what it was, but there was something missing. Something I really couldn’t put my finger on.
I’m always finished my holiday shopping two months in advance, so that couldn’t have been it. Was it because I didn’t bake my arse off like I do most years? I don’t think that was it either. Maybe it was because this was the first year ever that my daughter didn’t wake up in the same house as me on Christmas Day? Was it because there was not an ounce of snow on the ground? Or maybe it was the torrential downpour and electrical storm fiercely expressing itself outside our window that threw me off. I really don’t know what was missing. I just know that, as I sat and watched a sappy made-for-TV holiday movie with my beloved on Christmas Eve, it didn’t feel like the next day was going to be Christmas.
I know that part of the “meh” feeling I was having was due in part to how much I am looking forward to next year—the year I am putting my new traditions into play with our granddaughter. She’ll be over 18 months-old by this time next year and I know we’re going to start making some wonderful memories of what the season is truly about for me—family, and giving from the heart and not the pocketbook.
As I ponder my lack of holiday cheer, I think maybe it might be that I’m just burned out. It was a tough year for me. I was spread very thin for the bulk of the twelve months, and honestly just wanted to crawl into a corner and disown the entire world for a while. You would think that after a year filled with finishing writing my memoir, publishing that same memoir, being at my daughter’s side through the complications of her birth and recovery (and almost every day since), participating in two large-scale book fairs, learning to Tweet, marketing the same pesky memoir, helping my hubby with renovations in both our home and my daughter’s, and holding down a full-time job, I’d be able to just sit back and chillax and be selfish. No, that’s not the case at all. Now I have to figure out how I can be a better version of Veronica going forward. A more balanced version.
I locked myself in my dark office the other night (the night of the winter solstice actually) and meditated for the first time in over ten years. I started the exercise with a raging headache, and finished with only a mild throbbing above one temple. I consider my meditation to have been fairly successful, although I was unable to shut my mind off completely. Me thinks I have a lot of work yet to do if I want to create a balanced Veronica.
As I sit amongst the clutter in my office (a reminder of some of the many things I let slip during the course of the year), I realize that something’s gotta give. I have five more days until the end of the year, so there’s really no time for me to be sitting here bitching and moaning about it. It’s time for me to take action. Time to create a daily schedule to incorporate everything I need for me so I can be more effective in being everything to everyone else.
Is it going to be easy? No it’s not. It’s going to take dedication, commitment, and honesty with myself.
As everyone races to the gym, once again, committed to getting into “bikini body” shape, I am going to work on my mental “bikini body.” Let’s face it, if your true inner core is not solid, then your rockin’ hot body is just going to be wasted. Is one of my goals to get back in shape so that I can crack a walnut between my newly firmed buttocks? At almost forty-five years old, it always is. Will that happen this year? Not sure if it will (which is why we buy our walnuts shelled). But I am going to do my damnedest to go to sleep each night knowing that I lived a balanced day, and did my best not to neglect my true inner core.
With the plethora of resources out in the eUniverse, I know I will be able to find a method that works for me. I have a quote by Iyanla Vanzant on my fridge that says, “When you have something to do, life will not allow you to move forward until you do it.” That quote has both haunted and inspired me for too many years now. It’s time to take action.
Onward and upward for Ms. Veronica—not just for 2015—but for many, many years to come.